My Stillbirth Story (Late Abortion-36 weeks pregnancy) : Part 2 (Sleeping Angel)

As I woke up after delivery, I saw my husband at my bedside, I can hear the fetal heartbeat of another baby at the labor room, I can hear the babies crying in the nursery while I burst into tears realizing that I won’t be able to hear her heartbeat again, see her smile at me, hear her cry and everything that I dreamed of while in pregnancy. The nurse transferred me to the room and there my husband called relatives back in our country and told them the awful news. I was crying endlessly even while the nurse is checking my vital signs and helping me change my pads. It was so difficult for me to accept what had happened, it seems like it is a really bad nightmare and I just want to wake up and never sleep again.

It was also too painful for my husband to leave me alone in the hospital crying endlessly while he and his sister should go and prepare some documents for my daughter’s burial. I remember him telling me “I couldn’t believe I am going to process a burial for my child”. From the night we rushed to the hospital till the next day the sun goes down, he never get a good rest.

God has been so good that he never let me be alone in the room. Staffs of the hospital has been visiting me and checking on me, I don’t mind if it just their job to do it but I felt not alone with that. In the afternoon, one of my closest friends went to visit me from work and colleagues also came over. I managed to get enough sleep my friend stayed with me till night. My husband was able to do what he needs to and at night more friends, colleagues and doctors from our clinic ( where I am working) came and visit me and finally that day ended up really well.

The next day, Sunday Oct 17,our 7th wedding anniversary; my husband was able to finish all the necessary documents and formalities. The doctor visited me and she told that I will be discharged that day. As I prepare for my discharge, I felt more of the emptiness that I have. I have no baby to carry out of the hospital, I can still see the baby things I prepared for her and I have no one to breastfeed afterwards. But instead of those, we went down the basement at the morgue where my little angel is temporarily resting. I saw her wrapped up and asked the staffs if I can see her one last time.They were really compassionate that they let me see her and again i cried out loud, kiss her and hug her tight. One of them assisted me to our car and my husband carried our little angel.

We moved directly where we need to pick up her casket. It is white with a brown wooden cross at the center.I don’t know what to think of that time. I was still in shock. I felt physical pain but more so emotionally. We then proceed to the church where we prayed for my angel and blessed her. The graveyard site is quite far from where we have been but yet so near when we get there. I wish I could bring her home, I said to myself. It is so painful to see that your baby whom you carried for 36 weeks stayed with you for only few hours and you were not able to see her smile in those few hours that you are with her. Even at that time I still think of what does it feel to be buried, maybe she’ll feel hot in there or irritable. I still don’t consider her dead, even at that very moment.

The sun goes down, the place is getting dark and the silence is more deafening as we go back home.

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