Only stillbirth mommies will understand

Experiencing stillbirth is the most horrific thing anybody can experience. You planned well from the start you knew you were pregnant till you see that baby bump and felt your little one moves and kicks you. You dreamed of everything and so excited... What to name her,what will you do on the first day, how to bathe her, feed, stroll her, show her off to everybody you know and so on. But all of those dreams remained dreams for you know, it will never come true since you came from empty arms.

We are living in a flat with two more couples but since I came home from the hospital, I never have spoken to any of them except for the first day that they said their condolences for what had happened. It was so devastating that everyday for the full week i am crying hard from the moment I open my eyes till I sleep at night. My husband did not go to work for that week to be with me since I have no other relatives around. Seeing all the things we bought for our angel hurts so much from the clothes we will never see her wearing, toys that we will never see her playing, and everything that we will never have a chance to see her using. I personally don't understand myself at that moment because we tried to pack all of her things but there something inside me that is telling to stop. 

 My husband has been stocking diapers since the supermarket went on sale during the 7th month of my pregnancy. Now, we don't know what to do with that. First we decided to give it away to his friends whose wives are pregnant or just delivered, then after discussing we again decided to keep half of it because we were positive that we'll try again by next year.

Planning for the coming baby is far more easier than planning what to do with all those stuffs. I have been so quiet, unproductive, trying to exclude myself to anything and it seems that I just want to be sad all of my life. I feel that if I feel happy now like I used to, something will make me sad again or if I let myself become happy then maybe I'll forget my baby.

I remember a week after my loss, we went out to visit the church for a regular mass and saw a newborn baby outside the building with the mother. I thought I was okay then but when I saw them I broke down into tears and seems like I can't stop crying till the mass finished.

I know that I have accepted that my baby is already happy in heaven and I know my faith in God will help to comfort me in many ways but there will always be a time that I will stop and cry out to God and ask "why?". Why did he gave it to me and take it back again? Why of all the people in the world, it happened to me? What did I do that makes me deserving of this? Did I lack enough faith in him, that's why he took it back? why?. There are so many questions that flies around my head. And all those questions are left unanswered. People will try to comfort you saying that. "It is the will of God", "Maybe there are better things that will come", "You're still young and will have another child", "maybe God took her because she has congenital problem and will only suffer afterwards", "You still have your daughter so be strong for her", and "there are reasons behind it that only God knows what it is". But still nothing of those words would comfort me.

A week after, I really think I am feeling better because I was able to prepare myself as before for the mass. While my husband is writing a Mass intention for next week, one lady approached me at the office of the church and asked me "You we're pregnant right?" I responded and simply say "Yes" then she continued to ask "How is she? How many months now?" and at that time I can't control anymore and cry before I speak, and told her "She passed away". That is the main reason why I never want to go out. I have never been out of the house except for attending the church but still encounter such events. I know I cannot escape those things and I believe that those events are part of the healing process.

I'm on the third week, and as before... I felt even better than last week so I managed to go out but still with my husband for a walk or a jog. Then suddenly, one the couple in our house told my husband that his wife is pregnant. I don't know what happened to me but I felt some pain. I know I want to be happy for them but I don't know why I'm feeling bitter about it. I don't want what I am feeling because they are the first person who are so happy that I am finally pregnant. so difficult to either understand myself.

Pain never subsided whenever I look at facebook newsfeeds. Those delivery pictures of my colleagues and friends who are pregnant at the same time as mine, pregnancy announcements, and pregnancy updates has been killing me. I can't look at them, I can't congratulations no matter how close we are. It is just so painful.

Nobody can just say move on. Because this is not something minor like you and your boyfriend broke up and just moved on. This is my child, I carried her, I took care of her, I felt her, I planned and dreamed for her and now everything changed like the wind blew it off and gone.