My Stillbirth Story (Late Abortion-36 weeks pregnancy) : Part 1 ( I was excited)

October is the birth month of my first born and she turned 10 this year. My husband and I bullied her few days before her birthday (October 13) that her sister has been moving quite often and I’m feeling lots of cramps these days. We are also discussing that it’s nice if her birthday would be the same as hers.

Few days later, I’m feeling lots of cramps more often and because I am a working in a clinic, whenever I felt something wrong with me; I would immediately go and see the Obstetrician and let her do an ultrasound for me just to check on my baby.

I can clearly recall that it is Saturday, Oct 15 a day before our monthsary. I started not feeling well and heavy but I managed to go to work as it is a busy day. I was working on split shift so in the afternoon, I went home ate my lunch with my husband. I remember myself checking the contraction intervals but as time went on, I started feeling okay so I slept for about 1 hour that afternoon and again back to work in the evening. I was at 35 weeks and 6 days at that time so I really didn’t expect that she would go out that early. But at 7pm in the midst of the hour, I felt again the contractions that I can’t barely walk because of it. I went to the Obstetrician’s clinic but there were many patients, so I told my colleague that I can still manage and call me when she gets free but I’m really in pain. Around 8 pm, she called me at the extension and asked me to come in the ultrasound room to check on my baby. I was already thinking that my baby may come anytime from now. The Obstetrician checked my baby that time and she said that she’s doing perfectly, heart’s beating and baby is moving. She also did an internal examination and she said that my cervix is still close but it is kinda soft so she may come out anytime from now and if the contractions continue, I should go directly to the hospital for admission.

It was 16^th of Oct 2016 when we rushed at 2am to the hospital where I am exactly at 36 weeks. We thought I was just delivering early as I am already having continuous contractions. A nursing assistant immediately brought me to the labor room where four nurses are waiting there. They immediately attached the CTG monitor and check for the fetal heart tone, and as a nurse working in the same field, I could notice that they cannot find any heartbeat but I still asked her “what’s going on?” like I can’t understand anything.  An obstetrician came in checked the cervix and found out that I am at 7cm dilated. She then asked for the ultrasound machine and to call for my attending Obstetrician. She checked the chest area and I can see that there were no heart movement, still…. I couldn’t grasps what’s happening.

After few minutes my Obstetrician came in and again checked my ultrasound and she was pointing on the skull area where they mentioned Spalding sign. She then told me that there was no heartbeat but they will still call the radiologist to confirm it and that I will still deliver normally, they ruptured my bag of water where they noticed that it was meconium stained.After few minutes, the radiologist came and confirmed it.

They talked to my husband while I was still looking at the ultrasound in shock. He came and told me that our baby is gone and I will need to be strong to deliver her so I wont get any infection. I was still in denial stage and till then I am still not crying. 

They hooked up the medication to induced me, and at 6:10 am I delivered my beautiful sleeping baby. I was in sedative that time but as soon as I felt she was out, I moved up and checked at her hoping that she would cry and everything they said is not true. The nurse asked me if I want to see her and without any doubt, I said “Yes, I want to see her”. I saw her pretty fluffy face, kissed her and call her to wake up and cry. That’s the only time I started crying. I never cried for pain or anything because this pain is more than the delivery itself.

It was so devastating and painful that even though I am sedated, I could still feel the pain of loss. I couldn’t believe that this is actually happening to me. I have never imagined that this is also possible. After my discharge we buried her in the Christian cemetery, where I felt more pain than anyone can imagine. I never thought I’ll be seeing my baby girl like that. I feel so lost and stuck in that moment.

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